The Rippling Effects of Abuse

Recently, someone asked me, “How can you possibly heal and move forward when the people closest to you have been hurt by your own trauma-induced neglect and hurtful actions?” It is a question I’ve asked myself many times. Truly, the rippling effects of abuse reach beyond the victim. Its effects are felt profoundly by those they love, even if the trauma happened years before.

Last week, I visited the traveling replica of the Vietnam Veteran’s Memorial. It brought home the reality of the huge cost of that war. The thousands of names engraved on the wall represent those who lost their lives. But what about the ones left to live in the aftermath of the battles? For every person listed on the wall, approximately 45 survived and carry the rippling effects of the devastation they witnessed. It makes me ask, For every child who faces abuse, how many feel the rippling effects of that abuse?

The Rippling Effects

Severe abuse and trauma force our focus inward. It is a survival tactic. We shut down to protect ourselves—not out of selfishness, but because our brain, body, and spirit are depleted. Until the trauma can be stopped and then processed, our internal resources are limited. Our ability to nurture, connect with, and sometimes even protect those we love is limited.

While the explanations for these internal shutdowns are understandable, they do not negate the very real effect it has on those around us. As victims, we can manage the PTSD, anger, and pain and find ways forward through processing the emotion and letting go of the pains we suffered. But what about the suffering of those we love? How can that ever be okay? How can we possibly move forward and find happiness, when the people we love have suffered because of our brokenness?

Sometimes the hardest part of being in the present is that maybe the present holds truths I don’t want to look at. I like my rose-colored glasses. I want those I love to peek through those same glasses—I just want everything to be finally and completely okay. We made it through the traumas and now can enjoy the beauty of life. Right? But as much as the traumatic events are in the past, the ripples of that trauma still trouble the waters of the present.

Choices

The responsibility and anguish we feel over the hard things those we love have gone through can debilitate our ability to move forward. For a time—after my children were grown and my eyes opened to their trauma—I retreated, not wanting to live in a life where others were hurt because I was broken. I didn’t know how to fix them or me. I just wanted the ripples to stop and the long-hoped-for life to magically appear. But it didn’t.

Choosing to stay in the dark pit of despair didn’t change the past and it certainly didn’t help the future to look any better. For any of us to heal, we have to accept there is hope for us—for all of us. We cannot change the past, but we can choose to change the future by changing the way we communicate with each other.

Building relationships is about a mutual decision to understand each other. In working my way forward on this part of the healing journey, those close to me have shared insights to improving and healing our relationships:

• We can’t fix others. And truly, they usually don’t want us to fix them, they want us to see them. Not the version of them we have concocted, but the real person behind the actions and behind the smile.
• Choose to leave defensiveness behind. Accept that, purposely or not, our actions or inactions can cause others pain. Accept our responsibility in others’ trials and apologize with no qualifiers.
• Listen with an open heart and mind. Do we listen to respond, or do we listen to gain understanding? Listen.
• Learn how to respect boundaries. If a person tells you they are uncomfortable with a situation or action, respect that. Don’t ignore the boundaries or try to come up with reasons the boundary shouldn’t be there.
• Set aside pride and be willing to learn how to communicate on an individual level.

Is Healing Possible?

I used to think to heal meant to be perfectly whole—no more rippling effects of abuse. But true healing is simply getting to a place where the light is stronger than the darkness. It is a place where hope propels us forward. Ultimately, I have found healing through trusting in the healing grace of Jesus Christ. Looking at the world through the eyes of His grace helps us to internalize and own the beauty that is around us. It helps us find peace amid the turmoil. Strength in Accepting a Higher Power

Does my healing, heal my loved ones? I don’t think so, but choosing to heal can help me be in a better place to help and lift them. It can give them hope for their own healing journey. After all, healing is a journey with many twists and turns in uncharted territory. But the rippling effects of abuse can be slowed and ultimately have little effect.

“To all who walk the dark path, and to those who walk in the sunshine but hold out a hand in the darkness to travel beside us: Brighter days are coming. Clearer sight will arrive. And you will arrive too. No, it might not be forever. The bright moments might be for a few days at a time, but hold on for those days. Those days are worth the dark.” Jenny Lawson, Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things https://a.co/d/2fq8QP2