About Tammy René
Tammy René, author of Miracles in the Dark: How a Childhood Cult and Abuse Survivor Reclaimed the Light.
Out of the Dark
For the first thirty years of my life, the trauma of the severe abuse I suffered at the hands of my parents stayed buried deep in my subconscious. This repression kept me from sinking into the sea of self-loathing and despair that often accompanies abuse, but in my early thirties, everything came to a head as the dark memories of the abuse began to surface. To help me through the painful emotions, I sought counselling and learned to navigate my own path toward healing. Mixed in with the memories of so much trauma, peaceful scenes of light that sustained me through the pain and aloneness resurfaced. Still, my brain kept the peace separate from the trauma, afraid that the pain would erase the good in my life forever.
I hung on to every good thought and experience with a tight-rope grip, hoping to douse the heartache with light. As much as all of the good enlarged my soul, there was a dark chasm inside me deeper than anything I could imagine. The wall that separated the light and dark became a monstrous void that threatened to swallow me whole.
Moving Forward
Working my way forward toward healing, new truths rumbled up out the depths of my soul and I was diagnosed with what is now called Dissociative Identity Disorder. While the doctor said it was a coping device that the brain engages when the trauma is too much to handle, the diagnosis made me feel like I was losing my sanity. The reality was that the pain, fear, and hopelessness of the most traumatic events of my childhood were transformed into separate identities. Each identity fulfilled a role to help me survive when things got scary. The diagnosis is that I’m not crazy, just very hurt.
Accepting the DID diagnosis destroyed the walls of protection my brain had built—like a powerful earthquake rolls through a city reducing great structures to rubble. For the first time I saw the wounded and vulnerable parts of me exposed. Each one held their own secrets and developed their own way of coping with the pain. They hid from my consciousness in an effort to allow me to survive the ongoing trauma that was my childhood.
My journey has been about the freedom of learning and accepting truth. Even more importantly it is about rediscovering the light inside me and learning to own it, build on it, and then share it.
Effects of Abuse: the Silent Killer
Into the Light
I have worked as a CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate) in behalf of abused and neglected children and currently volunteer with our local Suicide Prevention Network as a PTSD support group facilitator. In conjunction with speaking about abuse and healing, I am an award-winning author and ambassador for hope, healing, and thriving after abuse.
Music and writing soothe my soul and I find strength in the outdoors. I cherish time with my husband, children and grandchildren and am grateful for each moment we have together.
Tammy René