Behind the Fortress

The Fortress

When I was a child, the hurt and emotional abandonment caused by my parents left me alone behind a fortress of fear. Physically, mom and dad were still there. But only a shell of myself wandered the scenes of my early life.

By my early teens, the fortress walls were thicker, taller, and seemingly impenetrable. Hurt, betrayal, and disappointment made up the large, cold stones of the walls. For a lot of years, those walls alienated me from the rest of the world.

One of the hardest things for us to do is keep the innocent trust we had as a child. Life happens, people can be hurtful, and our hearts can be broken. No wonder we become more cautious. It makes sense to protect a broken heart. We want to try keep away the fiery darts that threaten to destroy the pieces that are left. Until we learn how to accept and process the pain life throws at us, each trial we face can be another brick in the walls around our hearts. But I don’t think being behind the fortress is always a bad thing. When we are hurt, we need protection.

Facing the Dragon The Gift: Healing the Child Within

Time to Heal

If you break your leg, more than likely you need a cast. The more extensive the damage, the more protection needed to heal properly. Sometimes a broken leg requires intensive procedures, physical therapy, and extra healing time.

A cast can protect a broken leg while the internal healing takes place. At the appropriate time, it needs to be taken off so the muscles can be used and ultimately provide the freedom of unrestricted movement again. It is the same with our hearts.

Sometimes the pain and anguish we carry require extra measures of help—professional counseling, medication, etc. In every case, safe connections with the people around us can help give us the strength we need to travel the road of healing. It can be a slow process and sometimes painful. But progress is possible as we keep working our way forward. Unlike the quick removal of a cast, removing the protective barriers around our heart is best done a little at a time.

Permeating Light

Fortunately, even a fortress has some kind of door or gate to allow the occupant controlled access to the outside world. In my heart’s fortress, a small wooden door, with rusty hinges let slivers of light in. The light penetrated the ominous barrier I lived behind.

The light intrigued me. I longed to understand my relation to that light and how I might have a little more of it in my life. The light was steady and strengthened the broken parts of me. I learned that I had the power to decide how much of it to let in. It was (and still is) one of the most difficult things for me to do. There is safety in hiding from the world behind the fortress and viewing life from a bastion angled to obscure my “enemy’s” view. I had to learn to trust that not all of the outside world was destructive.

Eventually, I felt strong enough to open the gate when it felt safe. The first guest I allowed in was the Gardener from my childhood dreams—my loving Savior, Jesus Christ. In His presence, the dark walls of fear were transformed into walls that radiated His light. As I learned to better judge what or who was safe, the door was rebuilt, enlarged, and the rusty hinges replaced. The most freeing lesson learned is that I get to control the gate. I get to decide if and when to allow trusted guests in.

Opening the Gate

Finding the courage to open the gate and venture into the light, has opened my eyes to the beauty that permeates a darkened world.

Opening the gate allows the healing of my heart. It allows the kindnesses, compassion, and even good intentions of others to permeate my walls of protection. It strengthens my foundation. Life behind the fortress is no longer dark and lonely.

I used to think I needed to dismantle my fortress. Life has taught me that my fortress is a gift—a healing place, where I can find strength to face the world again.

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Healing Behind the Fortress

Sometimes, when the fiery darts of life find me, I still retreat behind the gate of my fortress with only my trusted Gardener. It is the only place to find rest and healing from the barrage of pain and negative thoughts that plague me. And when I’m ready, the light from beyond the gate invites me to take in the beauty, love, and growth that the outside world offers.