The Gift: Healing the Child Within

Christmas is a time of gifts and hopefully a time of building loving connections. Sometimes, the connections most needed are the ones we make with the hurting parts of ourselves that are buried by heartache and trauma—the gift of healing the child within.

A Child’s Hope

When I was a little, I often hid in the bedroom closet among the broken toys and dirty clothes. I was scared of Mom and Dad. But still, that five-year-old in me believed in something better. It was like she waited for the “better” to come, hanging onto her childlike innocence. Christmas lights, music, and stories of a baby lying in a manger, helped sustain her hope.

Christmases came and went; the little girl inside me was buried by ongoing trauma, fear, self-loathing, and doubt. She was hurt and broken. I hid her away, ashamed of her brokenness. It is hard to admit, but I blamed her for the abuse she suffered. At every stage of life, it was easier to blame myself than to acknowledge my powerlessness at the hands of my abusers.

And so the little girl inside me waited. She waited to be invited to live in the present, to heal, and to be loved. I needed healing for the child within.

Breaking Free From the Trauma

Leaving my parents’ home, muted the trauma. Christmas light snuck into my heart again. Marriage and children filled empty places inside me, rekindling hope. In quiet moments, the little girl inside me stirred.

The pain of my childhood and adolescence came to the surface, rocking my carefully orchestrated life. The time came to break free from the trauma. As I uncovered truths about the abuse I suffered and was willing to process the pain that went along with it, the child inside me emerged.

Another Christmas came and this time, new messages broke through the barriers. Words to a thoughtful song, Upon a Christmas Eve, by Michael Johnson spoke to my soul.

Like a Wiseman chasing stars, I looked for the child

One asleep inside of me, that Christmas once beguiled.

Through the falling snow I tracked a fading memory, until decked out in ragged clothes, an angel came to me.

She smiled and said the one you’ve lost is easy to retrieve, all you need to bring [her] back is something to believe. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OgNc07enU8c

My first thought on hearing these words, was believing in the baby in a manger and that He grew to be my Savior. But there was something more in the message to believe. What I needed in that moment was to believe in the child inside me. I needed to believe in her ability, strength, and hope.

This new belief connected my heart and mind. I realized I was no longer powerless. I couldn’t change the past, but I could live in the present—maybe even thrive in the present.

Healing the Child Within

In my quest to connect the experiences of my past to some king of good in the present, I volunteered as a CASA (court appointed Special Advocate). The goal was to help abused and neglected children navigate a difficult journey. Working with the children brought to the surface the shame I felt for my own brokenness. The question emerged, “Would I blame this young girl and boy for the abuse they suffered?” The answer was an absolute, “No!” Then why would I blame myself for the abuse I suffered? It was the beginning of finding the good in my past and the good inside me.

I wrote about the pieces of light that were scattered through the years of trauma. Gathering that light helped me gather the parts of me stuck in the muck of the past. The journey to wholeness opened up in front of me and it started with finding healing for the child within.

A Child Reborn

Christmas is here again, reminding me that there is light even in the darkest places—even in the darkest parts of me.  Healing Emotional Trauma and Building on the Light

Then a thousand bells rang out announcing Christmas morn and at that moment I did feel the child in my reborn.

So fill your heart with love tonight and wear it on your sleeve,

For all good things are possible upon a Christmas Eve. (Upon a Christmas Eve, Michael Johnson)