The Power of Hope

Hope is the sustaining power needed for conquering the most ominous obstacles. I love the story of Roger Bannister (a medical student in the 1950s) who was determined to run a mile in under four minutes. People said it couldn’t be done. Some scientists doubted the human body’s physiological capabilities in accomplishing such a task. Yet, with hard work, dedication and an abiding hope, Bannister ran the mile in 3:59:04. https://hbr.org/2018/03/what-breaking-the-4-minute-mile-taught-us-about-the-limits-of-conventional-thinking Hope can inspire us to move through the greatest of struggles.

The Impact of Abuse

After years of struggling to cope with the reality and effects of the severe ritualistic abuse I suffered as a child at the hands of my parents, I was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder. The Gale Encyclopedia of Mental Disorders describes Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) as “a severe condition in which two or more distinct identities, or personality states, are present in—and alternately take control of—an individual”(Frey). The diagnosis devastated me. I hated the possibility that I wasn’t always in control of my faculties. It seemed that acknowledging the disorder meant I had failed at living. I equated it with being insane.

But denying the reality of DID made the symptoms worse. Conversely, accepting the authenticity of the disorder opened doors of opportunity for me to overcome its stifling effects. Part of accepting my diagnosis meant admitting that the trauma I experienced as a child was too much for my brain to process.

Ritualistic abuse involves purposeful and intended inflicting of pain on the victim. The fact that the abuse was perpetrated by my parents made it extremely difficult to trust in anyone or anything. The compartmentalizing of the pain into other identities made it possible to act on trust as long as my conscious self was unaware of the trauma. Once healing began, I had to process all of the effects of the trauma and learn to trust in spite of what had happened to me.

A Lifeline

The reality of the types of abuse I suffered complicated my ability to retain hope. Acknowledging the immense sense of powerlessness I felt during periods of abuse was both sobering and enlightening. It allowed me to understand the necessity for my brain to develop a system that enabled me to continue to thrive in otherwise devastating circumstances. The diagnosis is that I’m not crazy, just very hurt.

However, accepting the diagnosis is only helpful if it is accompanied by a hope that healing is possible. When my hope waned, bitterness filled the void and I found myself overcome with an intensified feeling of powerlessness. It became apparent that for my alter identities to be able to heal, they had to have confidence that my conscious self could maintain a healthy perspective. Hope became key in continued healing.

There were times I felt as though my whole life lie in shattered pieces at my feet. In those moments, I realized that without faith in the Atonement of Jesus Christ, healing for me could not happen. Although exercising faith was a challenging exercise in learning to trust, as I practiced setting aside the fears and doubts peace calmed my inner turmoil. Strength came as I learned to recognize the hand of a loving Heavenly Father in my life and developed gratitude for the blessings He gave me. Slowly I was able to open my mind and heart to the guidance I sought.

Letting go of expectations of perfection helped quiet my perceived need to have a tight gripped control over everything.  I had to come to the full realization, that by myself I could not heal. I needed the healing power of Jesus Christ—not to save me from tribulation, but help me overcome its damaging effects. 

Hope for Healing

Ultimately, my hope in healing was validated. I experienced distinct peaceful sensations as the walls between my conscious self and my alters came down. The once fragmented parts of me integrated into the whole. The reconciliation came in small increments and in unexpected ways. Hope sustained me through the process.

Is overcoming and healing from the severe effects of abuse possible? Yes! The paths to healing differ as greatly as the individuals afflicted, but the essential elements in the healing process are the same regardless of those differences. Holding on to hope through the dark times helps strengthen our capacity to overcome. With hope, faith, and perseverance, the heart and mind can be healed.