Did God Abandon Me?

Sitting in the shattered pieces of the life I desperately wanted, one question haunted me. Did God abandon me? It’s not like I lived in a fantasy world, expecting a perfect life without trials or hard things, but how can such devastating and life-altering things be okay?

Did God abandon me? In the early phases of my healing journey, all forward progress stopped until the question could be answered. My “logical” self claimed the answer was obvious. My “logic” told me that if God was real and really cared, he would not have allowed these soul-breaking horrors to happen.

Broken Bond

The sexual trauma I suffered broke the bond between my body and spirit. My spirit felt betrayed by my body. It wanted to banish the pain so it could continue to hope in God and in good. My body just wanted to live and have its own pain validated. My mind joined my body in rebellion against my spirit. “Logic” blamed my spirit for believing in a Higher Power because that belief gave way to vulnerability. It was like my body and mind wanted to shut out the spirit completely, focusing on just the physical needs.

But the reality is that my betrayed body still had needs of something beyond its limitations to heal its pain. For healing, happiness, and the ability to thrive, both the body and the spirit are needed. We must admit that our “logic” and intelligence are limited. The body lives on food, water, and physical activity. The spirit lives on hope, connection, and a relationship with a Higher Power. So, how do you reconcile the warring parts of us that scream for healing?

Am I Worthy?

How do you believe in a Higher Power when such pain is allowed? If there is an all-powerful being, how can they allow such horrific things to happen? How can a loving Higher Power not intervene on behalf of those they love? Does the lack of intervention simply mean I am not lovable or worthy of that love?

For me, the last question held the key to opening both my mind and body to the way to healing. And to find—to feel—the answer, I had to experiment with believing in a Higher Power. The pain kept me from being able to see myself clearly. I needed help from a Being that knew me better than anyone else possibly could. A Being that is not limited by earthly vision.

The kind of Higher Power we choose to experiment with must be one that sees the full extent of who we are—all the beauty, the weakness, the pain—and loves the whole package. We need a Higher Power whocares about our pain and cries with us. Our Higher Power sees the possibilities and lifts us to catch the vision of life beyond pain. Our Higher Power feels our anger and helps transform it into energy that heals instead of tears down.

Experiment in Believing

Even just an experiment in believing can open us to the truth. Are we worthy of the love the Universe offers? The truth is YES! Then, allowing ourself to accept that answer gives our heart and mind—our body and spirit—the strength to explore ways to fulfill the needs of every part of us. Admitting our “logic” and intelligence are limited opens us to levels of living and thriving we didn’t think possible. The Spirit Body-Connection

Another truth is that we may not find the answers to our “whys” right away. In the years that I have been pursuing my healing path, I still do not have an answer to why horrific things happen even to the innocent. But I have learned that blockading my hope until I have all the answers only leaves me trapped in the anguish of my pain.

So even if we have what seems to be every reason not to believe in a Higher Power , choose to believe anyway. Believing opens us to soul-healing that can’t be found any other way. It can help us uncover the lies that keep us trapped and keep us from reclaiming our value that is not gone, but just temporarily hidden.

Choose to Believe

Sitting in the shattered pieces of the life we desperately want, we can choose to believe. And when we do, our eyes will open to evidence that God did not abandon us, but has offered sustaining physical and spiritual nourishment each step of the way. You are worthy, you are loved.