Why Can’t I Cry? Exploring Emotional Barriers

Why can’t I cry? is a question that haunts me. Stuffed inside my brain is the notion that I should never feel sad, angry, anxious, or scared. No matter the logical arguments I have with myself about it, I can’t shake the impulse to stuff all my feelings. If I were truly “good enough” or if I had “enough faith” or was “more grateful”, I would only feel positive emotions, right? Somewhere inside is the limiting belief that doing things “right” will lead to a constant state of nirvana.

The Cycle of Powerlessness

The utter powerlessness that comes with trauma fuels feelings of worthlessness. We become prisoners of the belief that we don’t deserve to be heard. And the vulnerability that comes with actually feeling our emotions can be overwhelming. It can give rise to a need to be in control. Often, control is misconstrued as strength. If only I’m strong enough, there will never be a need to cry, scream, or punch something. To keep it all under control, a part of us is designated to trap the strong emotions and keep them bound in chains of shame and fear.

And the cycle begins. Shame and fear ignite an anger that at first acts as a protector from the reality of the pain. Anger puts a temporary chokehold on the other emotions. But the reality is that the emotions don’t go away. Instead, the unprocessed emotions transform into an angry Hulk-like monster, challenging our sanity. Then, we build walls around our hearts to keep the monster from devouring us.

The problem is that the walls not only keep the emotions in, but they imprison a large part of our authentic self. And worse, the walls keep everything positive out. Fun, joy, and happiness are kept just out of our reach. Bitterness and cynicism fill the void and alienate us from anyone that might be close. The solitude can be welcoming for a while, but then the aloneness multiplies. It becomes a monster at least as scary as the Hulk we’re trying to avoid.

Oversensitive or Human?

Sometimes the sadness, fear, anxiety, and pain don’t get bigger in the imprisonment. Instead, they melt into a sadness that sinks into the depths of the soul. The inability to accept or fully feel and express any intense emotion can lead to depression, burying us deeper in the trauma we’re trying to escape. The truth is, keeping emotion boxed up makes us weaker, more vulnerable, and more at the mercy of the past. Not feeling does not equal being strong.

Still, it’s hard to accept monstrous emotions that plague us. When facing trauma, on any given day, we can go from elated to despair in a matter of minutes. Does that mean we’re oversensitive? Or does it just mean we’re human?

Trying to train our brain to process the emotions as they are happening is tricky. Trauma conditions us to box away anything too intense, and sometimes we are unaware of the emotion until days—or even weeks—later. Sometimes, it even happens with intense positive emotions.  When joy and happiness permeate more than the surface layers, vulnerability triggers the building of more walls.

But, at that point, we have a choice: We can build a fortress to try to contain the Hulk, or we can find a way to release the emotion and be free from its anger. The ability to choose what we will do with what we are given is where our real strength lies. That is where our power is.

Befriending Emotions

In searching for answers, I found light in Bessel van der Kolk’s book, The Body Keeps the Score. He shares about the role trauma has on our minds and bodies. In sharing the science of emotions, the guilt for being emotional is put on hold. I love this insight:

“Neuroscience research shows that the only way we can change the way we feel is by becoming aware of our inner experience and learning to befriend what is going inside ourselves.” https://www.besselvanderkolk.com/resources/the-body-keeps-the-score

The idea of befriending our emotions opens doors to finding peace and wholeness. No part of us needs to be left behind. We can change the question, “Why can’t I cry?” to “How do I feel safest processing my emotions?”

Befriending our emotions doesn’t mean to let them run amok (that can be as dangerous as walling them in!). But finding safe places and ways to let our emotion out and allow ourselves to cry tears of anguish and scream at injustice can set us free to deeply feel the beauty and joy of the life around us. Maybe the nirvana we are seeking comes with being free to scream, cry, or shout for joy and the freedom to embrace our authentic self in the process.

The Power to Heal