Light Behind the Mask

Since my earliest memories, I have felt unlovable. I used to think it was my fault whenever something “bad” happened. The childhood abuse I endured only reinforced those beliefs and created deep divisions within myself. Many parts of me were hidden away by fear, self-hatred, and uncertainty. I kept them hidden, feeling ashamed of my brokenness and blaming myself for the abuse I went through. The shame I felt was the reason behind the masks I wore. At every stage of my life, it was easier to blame myself than to admit my powerlessness in the face of my abusers.

I was afraid if I looked too closely, the dark and frightening secrets each part of me held would dissolve the good in my life and darkness would take over. At first, trying to control the other parts of me seemed the only answer. I tried to force the dark feelings away with positive thinking and gratitude for the good in my life. But the more I tried, the deeper the depression took me. Until I was willing to take an honest look at the broken and hurt parts of me, I could not heal.

An Invitation

Once I faced the pain of my childhood, it was like the hidden parts inside me waited to be invited to live in the present, to heal, and to be loved. I couldn’t change the past but could live in the present. What I needed was to believe in the ability, strength, and hope of each part of me.

In my quest to connect these broken parts of me to some kind of good in the present, I volunteered as a CASA (court appointed Special Advocate). The mission of the CASA program was to help abused and neglected children navigate a difficult journey. Working with the children brought to the surface the shame I felt for my own brokenness.

The question emerged, “Would I blame this young girl or boy for the abuse they suffered?” The answer was an absolute “No!” Then why would I blame myself for the abuse I suffered? It was the beginning of seeing beyond the masks and the shame they carried. Eventually, I saw the value in each hidden part of me.

Behind the “anger” mask was a strong young woman, determined to protect at all costs.

Behind the “weak” mask was a woman of hope waiting patiently for freedom to be herself.

Behind the “stupid” mask was the orchestrator of building a life beyond the pain and abuse.

Light Behind the Mask

I learned that there is light even in the darkest places—even in the darkest parts of us. Mental anguish, regardless of its source, does not take the worth out of its victim. Accepting that reality frees us to be ourselves. We don’t have to look or be like anyone else.

Often, in our struggle with depression, it feels like we are on the outside looking in. But maybe from the outside our perspective is different. Maybe from the outside it is easier to see beyond the crowds and confusion. It takes courage to confront the pain that keeps us trapped and do the emotional work that will release us from its prison. It is freeing to unmask our “real” self.

Reclaiming Our True Self

The reclamation of our true selves is not a “one-and-done” prospect. Like anything worthwhile, it takes work. It often requires us to revisit each healing step numerous times throughout our journey. But in each step, there is new strength and understanding to be found.

As we work through accepting all the garbage that comes with our trials, our eyes can open to the pieces of light buried in the muck. And we can learn to own the light flickering at our core. Owning the light goes beyond our cognitive abilities and has to do with opening our hearts and embracing the parts of us that were stuck in the past. That is where we gain the strength we need to move forward.

Freeing the broken parts of us to live in the present brings a new intensity to the light inside us and opens our eyes to beauty we couldn’t see before. Embracing the light gives us the courage to unmask our true selves and uncover the empowerment and freedom we crave.

We can choose to heal. We can choose to believe. We can choose to live. Regardless of the pains and heartache we are called to go through, all of us can find light and hope, ultimately thriving in a life that is uniquely our own.

No More Excuses: Reclaiming Power