How to Honor Abusive Parents

Sexual and physical abuse were a constant in my childhood and youth. My parents were the primary perpetrators. In front of others they were Christians, but behind the scenes they used Christian teachings and the Ten Commandments to coerce our silence about the ugly things they were involved in. For years, the basic commandment to “Honour thy father and thy mother;” (Exodus 20:12 KJV) stirred uneasy and frightening emotions. In my youth, I was haunted by the questions, “How do I honor my abusive parents and why would a loving God want me to?”

As an adult navigating a healing journey that embraces Jesus Christ, I have learned that a clearer understanding of this commandment comes when we look at the whole of what Christ taught.

Twisted Truths

Dad’s definition of “honoring” him included strict obedience to all of his whims and desires (most of them sexual). Mom’s definition meant that she could do no wrong and was not accountable for any pain she inflicted. It was like they both took on the persona of Greek Gods, demanding respect while being self-consumed and unrestrained in inflicting chaos and pain.

I grew up thinking that honoring my parents meant never saying anything negative about them, no matter the physical or emotional pain being inflicted.  It meant keeping up the false front that all is well at home. These twisted truths clouded my vision of God until I was old enough to accept the reality that my parents were abusers. There came a time when I needed to reconcile the truth of my childhood with the truth of the commandments I’d been taught.

Honoring Ourselves and Others

How does honoring parents fit into the murky path of overcoming the pain inflicted by them? The first step is in re-interpreting honor to mean live honorably.  In that way, we are doing something good with the physical life they gave us. More importantly, it lifts and enables us to see beyond the abuse and focus on building a life we can thrive in. In living honorably, we can find our true selves and leave behind the worthless feelings that accompany abuse. Reclaim Our True Self—Reclaim Power

Christian author, Jennifer Greenberg, adds this insight: “Honoring [abusive] people means calling them to repent of their sin, encouraging them to do what is right, and preventing them from doing further evil. An honorable response to sin is confronting it, refusing to enable it, and reporting crimes to law enforcement.” https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/honoring-father-evil/

Living in Truth

Learning to focus on living honorably, helped remove me enough from the pains of abuse to focus forward. More understanding in my quest to learn how to honor abusive parents came in studying other teachings in the Bible.

As much as Jesus taught love for all, He did not condone wickedness. In John 8, He counseled a woman who sinned, “Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more.” He knew her heart and loved her enough to encourage her to a better life. And those who had evil intentions in their heart, He firmly corrected. In Matthew 23:13, Christ rebuked the supposed spiritual leaders of the Jews: “But woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye shut up the kingdom of heaven against men: for ye neither go in yourselves, neither suffer ye them that are entering to go in.” He called abusers out—He did not excuse them.

The Apostle Paul added this clarity to the command to obey parents: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right.” He added and important command to parents also: “And, ye [parents], provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:1,4KJV) Parent-child relationships should be founded on love and nurture. Abuse in contrary to the teachings of the Lord.

And just in case we need more clarity about the way God sees abuse, Jesus offered this warning: “But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.” (Matthew 18:6 KJV)              

Our First Father  

The Bible teaches that we are beloved children of God. Isaiah declares, “But now, O Lord, thou art our father; we are the clay, and thou our potter; and we all are the work of thy hand.” (Isaiah 64:8 KJV) He is our first creator—our first Father. We find more clarification of where our priorities should be in Matthew 10:37. Jesus taught: “He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me.” If honoring and obeying our earthly parents would set us at odds with our Heavenly Father, then Christ sets things straight as to what we are to choose.

When asked what the greatest commandment is, Jesus replied, “Love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.” He does not ask us to do this for His sake, but for ours. How we honor abusive parents isn’t about them at all. It is about setting our sights on our first Father—the creator of our souls. When we focus our energies on the Lord, we find the strength to treat others, and ourselves, honorably. It is then that we can see beyond the trials and heartaches and embrace the strength offered by our loving Heavenly Father.