Understanding Dissociation

Part of trauma recovery is uncovering and understanding how our brains and bodies respond to traumatic events. Dissociation is a major component to the trauma response. As I have shared my own story of dealing with hidden pieces of childhood trauma, it is apparent that many people do not understand dissociation. According to WebMD, “Dissociation is a break in how your mind handles information. You may feel disconnected from your thoughts, feelings, memories, and surroundings. It can affect your sense of identity and your perception of time.”https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/dissociation-overview

While it is difficult to comprehend, the victim of severe trauma has no control over the dissociation. It is a safety mechanism our brains have developed to preserve us during impossible circumstances. Often, the victim is unaware of the dissociation until they are in a safe space (both physically and emotionally) to deal with the trauma.

My Diagnosis

Following years of accepting and dealing with the reality of the abuse I suffered at the hands of my parents, I gave up the fight to ignore the dark pit that threatened me. I went to counseling again, looking for closure once and for all. Instead new truth rumbled up out the depths of my soul. I was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder (D.I.D.). The events leading up to the diagnosis are heart-wrenching—I do not wish to educate anyone on the how-to’s of satanic worship, mind-control, and abuse. It is enough to say it pushed my mind, heart, and soul to its very limits. D.I.D. used to be called Multiple Personality Disorder. Either way, the diagnosis made me feel like I was losing my sanity. I needed to understand the dissociation that is part of the disorder.

DID Defined

I learned that the disorder is a coping device. The trauma I experienced as a child was too much for my brain to process. The pain, fear, and hopelessness of the most traumatic events were transformed into separate identities, each fulfilling roles to help me survive when things get scary. The diagnosis is that I’m not crazy, just very hurt.

Accepting the DID diagnosis destroyed the walls of protection I had built like a powerful earthquake rolls through a city reducing great structures to rubble. For the first time I saw the wounded, segregated parts of me, vulnerable and exposed without the protective wall. Each part held their own secrets and developed their own way of coping with the pain, hiding from my consciousness in an effort to allow me to survive the ongoing trauma that was my childhood.

Whenever I felt threatened, the different parts of me took over in an effort to protect the core me from death. Sometimes the protection was for my physical life, but more often it was a combat for my spiritual life. Eventually, I found a safe enough place to process the traumas that crippled me and become whole.

Understanding Healing

Healing from dissociative disorders is possible. Understanding dissociation is critical. Like so many mental struggles, the healing journey is unique to each person. For me it involved talk therapy and working through the traumas that caused me to dissociate. It was about focusing forward and believing that healing was possible. In working toward and finding my own healing, I have learned that it is an ongoing process. But it is a rewarding one. I know that regardless of the pains and heartache we are called to go through, all of us can find light and hope, ultimately thriving in a life that is uniquely our own.

How Abuse Skews Our Identity