Pity or Compassion

Pity or feeling sorry for someone who is suffering tends to focus on the horror. It can blind us to the person behind the barrier. It can look like you don’t believe they can ever overcome the trauma. Compassion focuses on the victim’s capabilities rather than brokenness. Helping a victim isn’t about reaching down, but more about reaching out. Effects of Abuse: the Silent Killer

Kindness Matters

At thirty-something, the reality of the severe abuse I suffered crashed into the life I was trying to build. I mourned the loss of my childhood. One day when my children were at school, a friend brought coloring books and crayons. She sat with me at the kitchen table, and we colored. Doors of more innocent parts of my childhood opened.

My friend didn’t try to fix me and didn’t have the answers. She was compassionate, kind, and met me where I was. She showed compassion, not pity.

Over time, my heart became keenly aware of the kindnesses others showed me during the painful parts of my childhood. When I was able to accept the realities of the trauma I experienced, I saw my heart open to the good I was exposed to even during the darkest parts of my life.

I had a grandfather and a step-grandmother that simply treated me like a normal, worthwhile human being, and took my sisters and I on fun outings. It did not change what was going on behind closed doors, but it gave me the pieces of strength I needed to hang on during that time and build a decent life later.

Don’t Feel Bad for Me—Believe in Me

Pity focuses on the horror instead of the person behind the pain. Compassion opens eyes to see the person behind the façade—the person longing to be seen and heard. When I was 16, a youth leader at church asked for my help on a project. My lack of confidence made me reluctant, but her belief that I had something to offer kicked me out of my comfort zone.

We met several times, each time, she encouraged me to share my ideas and help make a plan. I went home those evenings feeling a little lighter, like something good inside me was waking up and coming to the surface.

Off and on during my life, people had done nice things for me. Their kindness gave me hope in the world, glimpses of strength, and made me feel good about them. But being need and allowed to contribute gave me hope in myself and made me feel good about me. There is power in encouraging those who struggle and re-enforcing their worth by inviting them to do. For an abuse victim, so much energy is consumed by merely surviving, that their identity is buried. Opportunities to give reconnects us to our true selves.

Compassion for Others; Compassion for Ourselves

Abuse of any kind undermines our sense of self-worth and alienates us from society in general. It can seem near impossible to find the energy to reach beyond ourselves or even see beyond the pain we have endured. But reaching out can free us from the prison of the abuse.

Finding ways to help others gives us the strength to challenge self-defeating thoughts and behaviors that keep us stuck in the past.

Compassion, unlike pity, builds and encourages. We all need safe places to grow where we feel cared about and accepted as worthwhile people. Compassion accepts us where we are and helps us see ourselves past the traumas we face. Compassion does not try to take a sledgehammer to the walls around our hearts but can soften the barriers.

Sometimes, words of encouragement can calm a doubting heart. A heart-felt, yet simple, thank-you can re-energize a tired friend. Compassionate listening can help a friend feel a renewed sense of worth. Believing in the gifts that others have to give can lift a sinking soul back into the light.

Opening our hearts is key to finding the gifts that reside there. Sometimes it takes leaving our comfort zone. The point is in being aware of those we come in contact with, seeing what is behind the barriers, and welcoming them into the light.