Learning to Let It Be Healed

“Let it, rather, be healed.” (Hebrews 12:13 KJV) A simple statement, but sometimes a difficult journey.

I’ve always hated feeling stuck. I don’t like limitations. But, navigating the pain and intense fear that is a result of childhood abuse, is a long and arduous process. It is difficult to let go of the fear and let it all be healed.

Burying the Tears

Digging out the roots of my pain and fear through writing, counselling, and quite honestly, prayer, has been essential in finding progress on my life’s path. In therapy, I learned about writing love and hate letters to loved ones (with no intent to send them) to help sort out emotions. It is a freeing process in untangling the love from the situations and events that complicated it.

But often, as emotions build, I cry a few tears and then cut them off. At that point, I’m sure that I know all I need to know. Stopping the tears feels like jumping on a race horse that is heading speedily down life’s path to a brighter spot. Instead, I find myself back in the same spot, with the same unresolved and boiling emotions. The horse I was sure would race me to my destination turns out to be only a mock resemblance of the real thing. It is mounted to a carousel that would inevitably end up right where it started.

It’s not like I’ve had no healing. The trouble is that the pain is so intense, parts of me hide away behind layers of anger and fear. It’s like there are internal sentinels, holding back the reality of how badly I was hurt, afraid to be anything but “okay”. Part of me holds onto the anger thinking that somehow it will protect me from past and future pain. All of me tries to deny the fear that plagues the recesses of my heart and mind.

The Carousel

So, every time the anger surfaces, I jump on different horse of denial, going round and round, expecting a Mary Poppins-type carousel horse miracle. But the reality is that the hooves are screwed to the carousel’s platform by the fear that it hides. The anger, like the horse, is only painted to look like the answer. It is devoid of any ability to take me where I want to go.  Unless I am willing to acknowledge the fear and process the events that caused it, I will never be able to reach the destination I’m longing for.

It’s time to get off the carousel, find my way forward, and let it be healed. In the past, the anger has been tied to the pain caused by parents and others. In the present, I can see the anger is more about an internal war. Half of me continues to live in the angry abyss, shackled by the fears of the other half.

Let It Be Healed

The reality is, I am the one with the key to unlock the shackles. Regardless of the pain, will I “Let it, rather, be healed”? So the real question is not “Can I be healed?” But, “Will I accept the healing?” It requires faith and trust in the love and power of our Savior. The message that “We are infinitely more than our limitations or our afflictions!” shines a glimmer of light in the darkest times. https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng&id=p13#p13

I wonder about the lame man at the pool of Bethesda. After years of seeking, when the healing gift was finally given, was he frightened at first? Was he immediately able to “[take] up his bed and walk”? (John 5:9 KJV) Or was he acutely aware of his inexperience with walking? Did he have a moment of doubt?

Accepting the miracle of healing means putting fear aside and allowing each part of us—spirit, mind, and body—to come forward and find peace in the present. It means looking forward to the future with faith. Will the path be smooth and sun always shining? No, but the reality is there is strength and light waiting for us along the way, regardless of the storms that gather or the steepness of the trail we’re called to travel.

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