Exploring the Mystery of Faith
Recently, a friend asked, “What is this mystery of faith you all talk about?” We are both part of a group of friends that are working our way through healing from PTSD. Some members of the group talk about how prayer and believing in Jesus Christ help them on their journey. This man was horribly abused as a child and later suffered atrocities as a soldier in the US Army. He didn’t get the whole faith thing.
There are times in my life that I don’t get it either. When facing trauma—and feeling alone as it’s happening—how do we believe in something or someone who is supposedly all powerful and loves us? It can be hard to have faith in an unseen force for good especially one that is accessible to a damaged, hurting, and often angry victim.
It’s Unfair
On my journey, there are times when I want to scream at God “It’s unfair!” Last week was one of them. I was enjoying time with my a few of my grandchildren at Lake Tahoe while my husband, his friend, and one of our grandsons just started on a hunting trip in northeastern Nevada. After a beautiful walk to the beach, enjoying the unseasonably warm fall weather, I got a call. My husband was on the way to hospital after several episodes of passing out in the early morning hours. I was 6 ½ hours away from the hospital he was headed for and frantically made a plan to head his way. He’s had heart problems in the past, and fears about his life coming to an end often haunt me.
My head was swimming so I gathered my grandkids and we said a prayer for Grandpa and that I would get to him safely. Momentary peace cleared my mind and I knew I shouldn’t make the drive alone. My 14-year-old granddaughter volunteered to come with me.
We blared the music and I sang my brains out, trying to drown out the possibility that he might not be coming home. My husband was awake when we got there and communicating in a drunk-like giddiness. His color was awful. It turned out that it wasn’t his heart, but a returning infection that turned into sepsis shock—a life-threatening condition.
Robot Mode
I was grateful our son was able to meet me there and offer support. Still, I went into robot mode. Too much emotion wanted to burst to the surface, but I was afraid to let it out. The old belief that If only I’m strong enough, there will never be a need to cry, scream, or punch something, took control. Can I Cry Now?
Within 24 hours, my husband’s body was responding well to the antibiotics and our son took our granddaughter and grandson home to their families. I was left to navigate the next few days sitting in a hospital room, keeping my husband company during the days and trying to find sleep in a nearby hotel room at night.
My husband improved enough to come home and is in healing mode, but not fully well. We’re not sure what the future looks like as he continues to battle this and other health problems. The “not knowing” is scary, but being in robot mode sucks the energy out of me.
So, I ask myself, “What is this mystery of faith?” I can look around and see that I’ve been focusing on the fear and that is driving me into a familiar and joyless pit. I remember about being okay not being okay and the question of which to believe in: the dark or the light? Believing in the dark—the cynicism and doubt—just buries me deeper into the pit. On the other hand, hope may not catapult me past the trial, but at least I’m free to move forward—when I’m ready.
The Mystery of Faith
The mystery of faith is in trusting something larger than ourselves. It’s about trusting that there is more to life and these experiences than what I can see right now. The path is not always lit. Sometimes we wander in mists of darkness in spite of our best efforts. But the choice is ours. Hope or defeat?
My friend, Jodi Brown, shares a life lesson she learned while going through her 16th surgery after a life-threatening brain tumor: “This, too, shall pass. This is temporary. No matter what you are going through, no matter how low you are or how much pain you’re in, things will change. Hang on, walk forward, and look up. Behind the clouds, The Sun Still Shines”. https://m.facebook.com/story.php/?id=1149898583&story_fbid=10231033771164939
She’s right, when we hang on, we will feel the sunlight again, no matter the storms.
I have been blessed to have Tammy in my life many times her wise spiritual testimony comes to me just when I need it most.
Patti, I love how the Lord puts people in our path just when we need them. It is definitely not a journey we are supposed to do on our own. Thank you for the sunshine you bring into the lives of those around you. Tammy
I needed to read this today. Thank you!!!
Jami, I love hearing that a message was needed. There are so many aspects to applying and keeping our faith, and I believe being open and sharing our ups and downs helps us remember we are not alone in our journey. Take care and best wishes. Tammy
Prayers, lots of prayers! They really work. God is listening. I once read that our prayers go up to God as points of light and I can envision all of these spotlights pointing upward asking God for help. That gives me comfort and understanding that it is in His hands when I can do no more. When my husband was so sick, people would ask “What can I do to help?” I would always say please pray that he is not in pain. For as sick as he was, he never complained of pain. He was in God’s merciful hands.
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