Strength in the Spirit-Body Connection

Since the time I was a child, I have viewed my body and spirit as separate entities. The spirit-body connection alluded me. As an adult I have come to understand intellectually the inherent connectedness of the two. But the severe sexual abuse I endured as a child has made it difficult to internalize the truths I learned. I believed I had a Heavenly Father and that He loved me. As an adult, it was hard to reconcile that reality with the constant and heavy burden of feeling unworthy and ugly inside. I tried to wash the ugliness away by working harder to make good choices. It seemed that the ugliness came from not being good enough. It was a desperate delusion that to be of worth I had to become someone else, or at least act like someone else. I believed that God loved me but I couldn’t feel it.

Quest for Wholeness

The worth of my husband, children, and so many others was obvious. The desire to feel the same love for myself as I felt for others led me to pray earnestly to be able to see myself as Heavenly Father did. Then an image of me very hurt and damaged came to mind.  It was the beginning of a long process of acknowledging pain, and applying the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I caught more glimpses of Heavenly Father’s love as I worked to be open, positive, and grateful.

In my quest for wholeness I had the feeling that full healing cannot take place without a rejoining of my spirit and body. I couldn’t have a spirit-body connection without getting in tune with the body God blessed me with. Finding that connection came in stages. First, spiritual healing began in working to quiet the negativity in my mind. Looking for evidence of the beautiful and peaceful elements of life and letting down the walls around my heart, allowed them to find a home inside me.

Second, I had to work at processing old hurts and correcting misconceptions. The most prominent misconception was that I was inherently evil and trying to force myself to be otherwise. It often felt like a losing battle because it was too terrifying to accept that my parents hurt me because of who there were instead of because of who I was. Uncovering the root of that belief and accepting the truth of it woke up a strength in me. Accepting truth opened doors to becoming whole.

Reclaiming My Body

Bessel van der Kolk stated, “In order to change, people need to become aware of their sensations and the way that their bodies interact with the world around them. Physical self-awareness is the first step in releasing the tyranny of the past.” https://www.besselvanderkolk.com/resources/the-body-keeps-the-score

It was time to reclaim my body. A lady at church (of all places) mentioned a boot camp workout. It sounded like just the jolt I needed. When the instructor, Rachael, asked if I liked soreness—the good kind she called it—I knew I was in for a challenge. By nature, I am cautious and do things in a small, quiet way. Sometimes I feel like a wimp. Determined to push myself to the next level, I gave boot camp my best effort. For three weeks Rachael coached me on form and helped me tailor the exercises to my ability. My body ached but my energy increased with each workout. I felt invigorated mentally.

A few weeks into my training, I struggled to push a kettle bell over my head, slowly pushing its weight into the air. Rachael told me my weight was too light if I could lift it slowly. “Put it up in one burst of energy” she said. It reminded me of a workout when my oldest daughter showed me how forcing my breath out with lots of energy taps into more strength. I tried it with my kettle bell and shot the weight almost effortlessly above my head. A surge of excitement was released, pushing past the limitation my brain was sure I had. A new spirit-body connection was forged.

Forging the Spirit-Body Connection

Yes, my body ached and had to adjust my workout to accommodate my arthritis, but learning how strong I really am physically has been a freeing adventure. The pain reminds me that I am looking a challenge in the face and beating it. The effects of the breaking the barrier was not limited to my physical ability. My spirit responded with a positive energy that surpassed anything I felt in years. It was like blowing apart the barriers of limitations on every level of my life. I started being able to feel a little bit of God’s love. Old, distorted thought processes faded into the background.

A lesson I continue to learn is that forging the spirit-body connection uncovers strength and the ability to move forward through the pain.