Moving from “Why?” to “What now?”

Growing up, I was the shaky sort—not sure of myself and often feeling the outcast. A dark cloud hung in my heart, keeping my true self somewhere beyond the shadows of fear and anxiety. I searched for a light strong enough to counter the dark. Relief came in the Light I found in Jesus Christ. Focusing on that Light led me to a path of increasing confidence. Ultimately, I found a steady life with a kindred soul who would become my husband. By my early 30s, it seemed I was beyond the shadows. I was finding a comfortableness in life and who I was.

The disturbing thing was the more comfortable I was with me, the less comfortable I was with my parents. Since Mom and Dad’s divorce in my mid-twenties, Mom kind of did her own thing. Our relationship was reduced to the occasional phone call. That fit into my comfortableness. Dad on the other hand was determined to not fade into the background. He visited often and insisted we bring our children to his house at least once a year. I didn’t know how to say no.

Facing Fear

My discomfort at being around him grew to dreading his visits. I felt like an awful daughter for not wanting a relationship with him. The guilt ate at me, disturbing my comfortableness and drove me to my knees. I pled with the Lord for a softened heart towards Dad. Before long, the dark cloud of came to the surface screaming that dad had done something horrible to me. Images of him sexually abusing me haunted my waking hours and terror tore at my sleep. Images of sexual abuse by both parents, and the terrifying reality of ritualistic abuse throughout my younger years filled the pieces pieces of my childhood. I hadn’t moved beyond the shadows, I was immersed by them.

Those first images of sexual abuse exposed massive cracks in my foundation. The next images of ritual abuse blew the cracks into deep voids. The idea of who I thought I was exploded into a thousand pieces. One question swirled around the wreckage: “Why?” . I understood the need for trials in our lives—they teach us and build strength—but the barrage of terrifying trials was too much. It went beyond anything that resembled learning and growth.

Letting it Out

Anger at God for letting so much bad happen boiled inside me. “Why?” was at the forefront of every thought and stopped me in my tracks. I fell into a pit of fear and despair. I searched desperately for some kind of light in the shadows that thickened around me. Focus on the why kept me trapped in the pit, and put barriers between me and the ones I loved.

Somewhere in that pit of aloneness, I screamed at God in anger about the soul-crushing pain that threatened to consume me and the absolute unfairness of it all. In the quiet after my tirade, a message spoke to my broken heart. “You’re right, it’s not fair. I’m sorry for your pain.” Someone heard my anguish. Relief lifted me from the pit for a moment. Then the same messenger asked, “Do you want to move forward?”

Moving Forward

The “why?” that consumed me changed to “What now?” The anger quieted and more questions came. How do I find the strength to keep going? What do I do with this heartache and anger? . The answers to both were to trust that a knowing and loving God could help carry the burden. I had to believe He would be with me along the way. I couldn’t change the past. At first, I didn’t like the answer, but as I focused forward, a healing path opened just beyond the shadows. Hope brought relief.

The message of the oft quoted Serenity Prayer took on more meaning, “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” https://proactive12steps.com/serenity-prayer To move forward—to live—I had to believe in a loving God even if I didn’t understand the whys of trauma and heartache. Believing opened my heart to the joy around me and helped me see beyond the shadows of fear and anxiety. Asking “What now?” freed me to make my way forward to a better place.

What helps you see beyond the shadows?